The art of drinking is a gender-neutral event. By that I mean, it has nothing to do with masculinity. Any commercial exhorting us to believe otherwise is manipulating masculinity to move units. The big three  spend millions each year to convince us that imbibing is synonymous with sports. But, with the possible exception of major league pitchers (seriously, Sabathia?) and rugby players (who, let’s be honest, mix Guinness with their Wheaties,) pro athletes are probably don’t do much drinking.

That said, if you’ve made the decision to drink, be certain to take it seriously. In the sacred name of self-awareness you need to know what your drink is saying about you.

 

Gin says - “I’m new here.” Also: “I have a grandson your age.”

Taste-wise, Gin is a pretty mild spirit. It’s fragrant and dry; great for your entry-level imbiber as it’s sweet and adds a little “bite” (nibble?) to almost any juice or tonic. Gin is also great because it doubles as cologne – the good stuff smelling of crisp, wintry, Colorado peaks. It’s favored by high-maintenance princesses and octogenarians alike.

Careful: You know the way Gin smells like cologne? It tastes the same way when sipped. Throw down on some tonic to keep the goosebumps at bay.

Suggestions: Hendrick’s, Bombay Sapphire

Real original, Rum. Of course you are, being in a hammock is the best.  A full 90% of daydreams involve hammocks. Rum is smooth and sweet and it’s no coincidence that it’s branding usually plays to our fantasies of whiling away the day on a tropical vacation somewhere warm. Perfect for a pirate in retirement.I won’t drink it straight, but rum mixes well. Use instead of tequila in your next blended drink for a smoother, more civilized version.Careful: Rum can encourage the wearing of oversized palm tree-print button ups, back-strap sandals and wraparound shades. Don’t even think about Tommy Bahama.

Suggestions: Avoiding Malibu.

Like baseball, grandmothers and fad diets, Whiskey is an American staple, favored by congressmen and cowboys alike. It’s a harsh, hasty drink that doesn’t play well with others, so it’s best to drink it straight. Mixed with soda or juice, the whiskey stands bold, proclaiming your drink’s most dignified guest.

Careful: Know what you’re getting into. Whiskey taste can range from sweet to smoky and from affordable to mortgage-able, you’ll want to solicit recommendations from a trusted barkeep. Consider using a “Jack (Daniels) or better” rule when ordering from the well, and, if your bartender seems uneasy at the recommendation– buy yourself a beer.Suggestions: Maker’s Mark, Michael Collins

Vodka says: “I’m here to get drunk.” Possibly, “I’m here to get secretly drunk.”

Much like The Black Eyed Peas, Two and a Half Men and most polo shirts, Vodka was designed to be tasteless, to appeal to the indifferent and under-educated. As a general rule, the higher the quality of vodka, the less flavor it carries, (and they market this as if it were a good thing?) This rule, of course, is disobeyed in every other area of life. A man of quality is bold, assertive, creative and…anything but flavorless.

You know who drinks Vodka? Alcoholics and sorority girls.

Possible Exceptions: The population of Russia, Ice Fishermen, A guy who just got fired.

Suggestions: Whiskey.

Tequila Says – Something incredibly offensive, (en espanol) likely about your mother/nationality.

If tequila had a face, it’d look like Danny Trejo. An old, weathered compadre who tends to take things too seriously and always, too far. Bring up the subject of tequila at your next after-work happy-hour and you’re likely to hear a variety of polarizing responses. For every guy waxing poetic about his favorite agave found deep in the belly of Mexico, (accessible only by burro) you’ll hear twelve  “I’ve-never-done-this-before-but…” stories.. For safety’s sake, it’s a conversation best avoided. Much like a conversation with Trejo.

Suggestions: A good rule of thumb for Tequila (also, life) is to stick with the good stuff. You’re not just buying a drink here, you’re waving a red flag at El Toro,  so spend an extra couple bucks and get something that doesn’t taste like dirt/fire.

The above list is exhaustive by no means, but it’s a good port of entry. The better man is intentional in all areas of life, but he also knows when to ignore a stupid list and do what he wants. Call this a suggested route, rather than fixed compass point and use your best judgment.

Just make sure you know who’s doing the talking.